Clutched Heart

It’s hard not to wander away while walking along the dew covered path on a cold Sunday morning. The crisp cool air makes its way down your trachea, the wind makes the tip of your nose go numb, things feel... good... except you wish it were a tad bit warmer.. And so, you move your body further into the arms of your beau. Who would that beau be? Hmm, James Lafferty, Colin Farrell or Hrithik Roshan fit the bill. Hey it’s my choice considering all this ISNT ACTUALLY HAPPENING. Argh!
Why do I burst into tears whenever “Iris” starts playing? That was the song my first love and I used to listen to together, but it was aeons ago. “C’mon Devika- snap outta it!” [Yes, I talk to myself] “He hurt you, you don’t deserve that!” I nod silently and grit my teeth, but then, the damn chorus starts and im wailing like a banshee all over again.
How one person can grab a part of your brain [not heart] and scribble his/her name all over it is beyond me. Here’s where the “soft spot” comes in. For a year now I’ve been trying to get over that feeling and I’ve tried everything. EVERYTHING. Let’s see - I’ve had quite a few romances, made a ‘what I hate about you’ list, broken off with any common friends we had and even thrown away the clothes I wore on my first date with him. None of it helped. And then, I woke up.
Fact 1 – I wasn’t still in love with him, I was in love with the memories.
Looking back at my 4 months with him, it’s a big blur of concerts, group hangouts, kisses, lots of photos, crazy pranks and even some basketball. And yeah, I loved it! It was your perfect Mary-Kate and Ashley movie, and he was the lead guy in the flick. But stripping it down, was there anything else that made him more special? No. He was just another guy in one tree hill, and I am NOT just another girl in Namma Bangaluru.
Fact 2 – The first cut is the deepest.
He was funny, cute, popular, smart – your average jock, and at the time my life wasn’t very average. It never has been. He seemed like the anchor of my ship, keeping things stable, my grounded best friend. Thanks to circumstances I got attached to him, made him larger than life in my head, and then, I fell in love. It was this awesome high – and a major ‘first’ in my life. I write down all my firsts, actually, I write down everything – so putting pen to paper made it permanent, and FIXED in my head. Guess that anchor really landed hard.
Fact 3 – Don’t settle for ‘good’ when the ‘best’ is out there.
We often have a funny way of making things seem all happy on the surface, and accepting things the way they are even if you’re dying of discontentment inside. Don’t wallow in your misery and mope about saying you lost the best thing that ever happened to you, cuz the truth is you just haven’t got a taste of ‘spectacular’ yet! Make your expectations large, keep your requirements high because otherwise it just isn’t worth the trouble of having a relationship at all. It’ll crumble with time.
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I don’t have a reason for writing this, I just hope it helps someone with figuring out what makes a certain somebody so unforgettable. I would’ve said ‘moving on’ but I think it’s more of a “face the facts” moment. Right now, im so ready for an amazing guy to come sweep me off my feet – but im scared. Im holding my heart out but clutching it too.