venting

"I cant live I cant breathe unless you do this with me"

kill me now.
god, ive written about 12 soppy love songs in the past few days.
i never thought id scorn distance this much.
my guitars suddenly become my best friend. pffft.
its just not fair.
i hate this. i hate these circumstances. i hate this feeling.
i dont want this.
but i like him so much. but i cant. but i do. but its stupid. but its .. i dont know.
i want to be with him.
i dont care about what people think or whether i move to mars.
i want to be his, i want him to be mine.
control urself raven, stop the waterworks.
fuck this shit.
fuck love.
xx

In 3D Land

To jump or not to jump?
To take a leap of faith or sit in predictable safety?
To fall in love or into hate?
That is the question.
The road I’m at is forked at a queer angle. The destinations are not certain, and the journey is more than raucous. I'm weak already.
The heart icon on the edge of my screen shows me that I have just a few lives left. Slashed down by betrayals. Mocked by hypocrisy.
My character moves forward.. creeping onto the next villain .. He sits there so oblivious.. so radiant .. so beautiful ..
But this is a game .. He's a just a flicker on my screen. How can I be feeling vulnerable about someone that isnt even here?
I shake myself out of it and resume my crouched position. Stealthily I tighten the grasp on the handle of my sword, my kohl covered eyes sparkling in the medieval sun.
I pick up speed and run towards him, letting out a deep scream from the pit of my stomach. Kicking dirt back, I broke through the still air. I’ve never felt stronger. He turns his face towards me, and in that moment - I freeze.
I lose my balance.
My rapier catapults into the air.
Brown streaks of hair blow across my face.
My heart icons suddenly jumped from 3 to 10. In an instant, I knew he was special.
Pushing his robe’s hood away from his head, he scrambled towards me and knelt a foot away.
‘Give me your hand’ he said, in a foreign accent, perhaps he was from a land far, far away.
My breath turned cold as I pondered on what to do. Shaking, I extended my small hand into his big one, and immediately, felt Goosebumps.
“Hello?! This is a video game – what’s going on?!” shouted my brother from behind. My controller doesn’t work anymore, I stare at my monitor in puzzlement.
The girl slowly gets to her feet and the boy is ignorant of what feelings he just gave birth to in his proposed murderer. Strange, how the hunted became the hunter.
‘Wh-Who are you..?’ muttered the girl softly.
The boy smiled as he whispered into her ear -
‘Your most amazing tragedy.’

In an instant, the lights went out. My brother and I sat there in darkness.
'Damn! I wanna know what happened to 'em freaks.' my sibling exclaimed.
After a pause I thought to myself
'I dont.'

Hush, Oh planet

hey saturn i see your rings
bright amber coloured optical illusions
oh no, pluto,
do not whine
not a planet? no worries
i shall buy u a new pet
make the death of the last one
dissapate
replace replace - that which cannot be cured
come come little one
let me buy you a star on the rocky boulevard
oh venus, dear mars,
the sexes of the planet earth
exploit your innocence ..
fear not! you do not represent our loins
go back to sleep
hush baby hush
the lone astronaut whizzes past the moon
do you still believe NASA actually reached there?
another political cry for 'i need a shrink'
and yet and yet
oh tyranny thou art asleep
where are the dictators, the revolutions, the drugs
oh no oh no
now, hush my love
go back to sleep ..

The Breath

Theres nothing quite like being on stage. Holding a mic, singing. Swaying like youve got marijuana flowing your veins. Feeling at one with the world, at one with yourself - being truly happy. Floating in the music. Audio therapy at its best. For days now i sat on the passion. Locked it up in a box and threw the key in a void of webs. But it was stronger than me, for my addiction erupted again last night. The moon was out and i was in a deep slumber, but as hypnotic as the dark light around me was, i sprang to life, my vocal chords vibrated together - they created a shake in the once still air - my dream gasped to life again, releasing the noose i had once placed on it.
Now i know why i woke up smiling.

Paint the town orange!

ORANGE STREET IS PERFORMING AT 'SOMEPLACE ELSE' ON APRIL 23RD =D
AND IM GOING TO BE THERE! WOOHOO! YAY!
my fav indian band. sigh ! cant wait ! i have to get a pic taken with em.. and signatures.. and then ill frame it up =D muhaha

Horse Blinkers

One whip and he keeps moving. A captive in a free land, bound by leather straps and a screaming man -controlling his direction, his food, his breaths. The 4 legged animal moves on, no thought of breaking free. For how can u hope for a better life when your heart surrended a long time ago? Practically everyone I know goes through life the same way. Waking up, going to a man made building block, coming back to your sanctuary and resting again. The human life cycle lacks .. life itself. Someone once said artificial intelligence would take over the earth, when the fact is that is already has. Mechanically we exist, sporadically we live.
Ignorance : The condition of being uneducated, unaware, or uninformed.
Is that the better option? To walk the path already taken? Which one kills the soul more...? the pain of a new option or the same old vigorous routine? Its a personal assessment and a childhood that will give you the answer. Your strength, your morals. What did ppl who you look upto do.
Sitting on my window sill and drinking my tenth cup of tea of the day, a smile creeps up unkowingly. Che Ernesto Guevara.. Quentin Tarantino.. Jim Morrison.. did they choose to be different or were they ignorant.. I dont think they ever pondered over the thought like this. Maybe writing this blog entry is dismissing the very essence of being different.
Submission : The act of submitting to the power of another.
I am not a pile of clay that can be moulded by my generation. It may cause dents and chips but ill still be me. The mind is corrupted every millisecond by external stimuli. Instances can change the entire viewpoint of a person. Someone who saw their father dying in their arms wont fret over a broken fender like the layman. Who's more blessed? The ignorant bystander or the main character of the play? The person who grieved for 60 seconds or the man who gave into submission?
The end : A result; an outcome.
We all have one.
"This is the end
Beautiful friend
This is the end
My only friend, the end
It hurts to set you free
But you’ll never follow me
The end of laughter and soft lies
The end of nights we tried to die

This is the end" - Jim Morrison.

Its Sold.

well, there u go. the house i grew up in was sold today. the beautiful vast bungalow that was my haven for 16 yrs is now under the posession of.. well, someone else. heh. everyday im learning the worth of family more and more. they really are the only ppl u can rely on.. friends, well.. dont get me started there. maybe im cynical.. maybe its been bad luck, but ive never seemed to have happy endings with anyone. of late ive been discovering my religious side more and more. there was this need inside me, that kept calling out to a higher being. i hope to go to tirupati soon.iv been praying to lord vishnu a lot a lot a lot.. and im loving it, really.

Hurt

I hope hes happy, in that ignorant solitude. I care for him so deeply that sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night and start crying. But, I dont call him. Because HE HATES ME FOR REASONS I CANT COMPREHEND. I saw beauty for the first time.. and i saw it in the form of a relationship.. our best friend bond. it was magnificent.. made me whole, made me BELIEVE. I look back at what we shared, and i know i should be grateful - but all i feel is PAIN. why did it end? Why now, does he exchange those same warm words that we once shared with another? and so publically. he used me. i was his trophy, his ego boost - yet i know on another level, we DID share something ineffable. Ive fallen to my knees, weeped in my own puddle - rid me from this hurt, rid me from this confusion. I commit myself to a power greater than me and still flounder. But still, I hope hes happy.

i AM alive

sorry for the large void between blog entries - i've moved to calcutta and things are pretty crazy at the mo'
i just wanted to jump on and shout out to my NMC mates who check this page, so dont worry - I AM BREATHING. i havent slit my wrists or anything, lol.
will log on for a longter time n put up an ACTUAL entry.
if you're still jobless, check out http://ironia13.deviantart.com
rock on peeps
xxx

For what its worth

x - i guess im just.. scared
y - scared of what? look.. unless you show someone all that there is to you, how do u expect anyone to love u unconditionally? theres a part of you that you keep hidden all the f**ing time.. its stupid.. want a fag?
x -no .. look man.. at the end of the day its gonna be just me anyway so -
y - so whats the point in taking the risk of showing someone all that there is to you.. right?
x - yeah
y - what the f**k is wrong with u.. on one hand ur not scared of takin anything on, yet ur so bloody insecure.. ur nuts.. u dont have BPD or any bloody problem in ur head.. in its ur heart .. u got hurt once really badly by one mother f**king babboon and youve condemned the entire male species for it
x - its not just the opposite sex! im talking abt platonic relationships as well lah.
y - ooooookay so uve condemned the entire world for it? f**kin hell.. hahaha..
x - you just missed my turn! my house in 4th main ! FOURTH!
y - ok baba.. chill..
x - thankyou... f**k.. what the hell .. theres a kid on the road! stop the car

****
i got out of the car with about 7 friends of mine, and being the only sober one among the bunch, i immediately realized what was going on. There was a boy lying in the middle of the road, his head in a pool of frothy vomit, and his body was bobbing up and down.. The kid was having a fit.
I ran into my house and got my mom as soon as i could, and when i got back out, the dude was going through his 2nd session of fits. this time, it was REALLY bad. all i remember before his body stopped moving, and fell limp, was thinking, 'is that all that it really takes'.
his name turned out to be rahul, and he passed away infront of me. zombie like, i walked into my house and into my room. i sat on the floor hugging my knees for a few minutes trying to comprehend what the hell actually happened.
i got the wake up call i needed, everything makes sense now. everythings fallen into perspective. i wish that person didnt have to die for me to realize that my insanely trivial 'problems' are absolute bullshit compared to whats really going on in the "big bad world"
im going to change. im going to be open, im going to be thankful - and above all, im going to be happy. rather than wallowing in self pity and staying up nights wondering what 'were here for', imma make someone smile, do something that helps someone else. its not fame thats gonna help me leave a mark in this world, its .. what i do on a personal level with that small circle of ppl that my life revolves around.
god bless everyone
and if i havent told u lately, i care abt u all very VERY much.