Clutched Heart

It’s hard not to wander away while walking along the dew covered path on a cold Sunday morning. The crisp cool air makes its way down your trachea, the wind makes the tip of your nose go numb, things feel... good... except you wish it were a tad bit warmer.. And so, you move your body further into the arms of your beau. Who would that beau be? Hmm, James Lafferty, Colin Farrell or Hrithik Roshan fit the bill. Hey it’s my choice considering all this ISNT ACTUALLY HAPPENING. Argh!
Why do I burst into tears whenever “Iris” starts playing? That was the song my first love and I used to listen to together, but it was aeons ago. “C’mon Devika- snap outta it!” [Yes, I talk to myself] “He hurt you, you don’t deserve that!” I nod silently and grit my teeth, but then, the damn chorus starts and im wailing like a banshee all over again.
How one person can grab a part of your brain [not heart] and scribble his/her name all over it is beyond me. Here’s where the “soft spot” comes in. For a year now I’ve been trying to get over that feeling and I’ve tried everything. EVERYTHING. Let’s see - I’ve had quite a few romances, made a ‘what I hate about you’ list, broken off with any common friends we had and even thrown away the clothes I wore on my first date with him. None of it helped. And then, I woke up.
Fact 1 – I wasn’t still in love with him, I was in love with the memories.
Looking back at my 4 months with him, it’s a big blur of concerts, group hangouts, kisses, lots of photos, crazy pranks and even some basketball. And yeah, I loved it! It was your perfect Mary-Kate and Ashley movie, and he was the lead guy in the flick. But stripping it down, was there anything else that made him more special? No. He was just another guy in one tree hill, and I am NOT just another girl in Namma Bangaluru.
Fact 2 – The first cut is the deepest.
He was funny, cute, popular, smart – your average jock, and at the time my life wasn’t very average. It never has been. He seemed like the anchor of my ship, keeping things stable, my grounded best friend. Thanks to circumstances I got attached to him, made him larger than life in my head, and then, I fell in love. It was this awesome high – and a major ‘first’ in my life. I write down all my firsts, actually, I write down everything – so putting pen to paper made it permanent, and FIXED in my head. Guess that anchor really landed hard.
Fact 3 – Don’t settle for ‘good’ when the ‘best’ is out there.
We often have a funny way of making things seem all happy on the surface, and accepting things the way they are even if you’re dying of discontentment inside. Don’t wallow in your misery and mope about saying you lost the best thing that ever happened to you, cuz the truth is you just haven’t got a taste of ‘spectacular’ yet! Make your expectations large, keep your requirements high because otherwise it just isn’t worth the trouble of having a relationship at all. It’ll crumble with time.
***
I don’t have a reason for writing this, I just hope it helps someone with figuring out what makes a certain somebody so unforgettable. I would’ve said ‘moving on’ but I think it’s more of a “face the facts” moment. Right now, im so ready for an amazing guy to come sweep me off my feet – but im scared. Im holding my heart out but clutching it too.

Moon child

Moon child, glowing bright
Lying on the grass in the eclipse
Things feel serene, at peace
Is this my spectacle?
A feeling of a first kiss?

Illuminated, the girl felt humble
Looking up at something more powerful
- Twas it light?
- Twas it a spirit?
- Twas it... God?

Twas surely not love.
For that no one can surpass

The boy came in and lay on the grass
Moon child again
Moon child who would last
Holding her,
The ring above seemed to pulse

And this my friends,
Is the power of Love.

The Post-It

“Imagine Accepting The Truth” – Fred Durst.
Handing the guard the gate pass signed by my gullible class teacher, I walked out of my school gate at 10 am laughing silently at life’s irony. It wasn’t long ago that I did the exact same thing just to meet my “other half” who studied across the road in Bishop Boys. And now, thinking of him makes me want to hurl. I think all of us go through that at some point. Contemplating why the hell you were even attracted to the buffoon considering you knew he was an idiot from day one. Right? Wrong.
Okay forget teen romance [I see more point in sending Jessica Simpson to Sunday school than counting on a purely hormone driven friendship] but what I find strange is how your best friend can turn into an untapped resource of your life’s “deepest darkest secrets” overnight. Someone who you spill your guts to, who you stay up all night on the phone with, someone who you KNOW will be there for you no matter what – and POOF – the next morning you wake up with a pathetic hangover-ish headache and there’s a yellow post-it on your mirror that says “Smile! You’re on candid camera!”
Time to face the god damn truth – no other human being becomes completely, totally, wholly, entirely, utterly, absolutely, unreservedly yours – no one. [Don’t say marriage is an answer, because a wedding ring hasn’t stopped millions from being a part of the infidelity brigade.]
My point here is that something which is probably the most common bond in existence is generally the most difficult thing to maintain and the easiest to lose control of. Im taking about a RELATIONSHIP.
So the next time you pass a ‘casual’ comment about someone or something to your so-called comrade, just pause. Think. Analyze. It can come back to you – stare you in the face and begin mocking you. Your best friend can be your enemy tomorrow. Your enemy can be your best friend. Or, worse, your best friend can become your enemy’s best friend.
Don’t think im giving up on the loyalty of mankind - Im not a pessimist, I strongly believe in the triumph of love over all things, but I guess I just haven’t had many positive results in this arena. Yet.
But go ahead why don’t you, and prove me wrong... don’t leave me singing with the haunted.

Welcome to this artificial world.

Time and time again i sit on the school bus, or gaze at my comp screen and just feel this weird itch, and no matter how much i scratch, the nagging just won’t dissipate. Crinkling my nose in the physical realm, with neurons sparking off inside my head trying to figure out why i am always so god damn uncomfortable – my subconscious self already figured out the answer. It was just this life that i was living. Not the circumstances or things i was doing, it was just the mindset of the people around me. I nick named it something – the SOC head. Same Old Crap.
Take this chicken example. Yes, chicken. When 20 of them are locked up in a tiny pathetic cage in a slaughter house soaked in blood, and one starts to die – it immediately sends WARNING hormones rushing through its body. Negative hormones basically. Hormones preparing the animal for death. The chicken next to it senses this, and its body does the same. It’s not transmitted by a cry or a virus – it’s through the air, its something invisible that you just pick up from your environment. This is exactly what’s happening in my world.
Okay, so i don’t go around town laying eggs, but this place that i call home is getting too mundane for me. I hate generalization, but im beginning to use the term more often. The media [or lack of it] is giving birth to a new generation of clones. Look around – how many people do you know that want to be [or do] something unconventional in their lives? I have a huge address book, and i know one. only ONE.
Even my closest friends, or should I say friendly acquaintances, have the same goals.
“I just wanna be a doc or summat u kno.. wanna be loaded.. simple..”
“woah that chick sounds like my soulmate! Huh? Whats that? Shes skinny eh.. crap her then.. gotta be hot or not interested.. so like I was saying abt that female with the hot ass...”
“WHATS UP?” – “NOTHING MUCH”
*groans*
in the words of Tim Allen– back the truck up! Did I call those things goals? You can’t call those things goals. Sorry, my bad.
All im trying to say here is – do your own thing – don’t conform to society – let’s make this 2k era another Woodstock venue. I don’t believe that the time of inventing and discovery, or getting high to make f***ing great music is gone, but it has definitely lessened. Almost thinned away. Life’s tough, but taking the normal road to death is something anyone can do. Find what you love, and CREATE something. Leave something behind that has YOU written all over it.
Don’t pass away in a cage, Die with passion.